Its all you
It’s been a challenging year for all.
I can’t help but feel we were sucked in to some kind of weird vortex and spat back out.
Do you feel that way too? Have you been experiencing some really unusual things?
I guess when you are someone who is becoming more aware about yourself and about the things that are important to you in your life, you start to pay more attention to what shows up.
You begin to think - is this part of a grand plan? Is this part of MY grand plan?
I don't remember writing the script on this one that's all and I surely would have written the script another way - you know one with the happily ever after, and the story line that is too good to be true.
After all, that's how the movies unfold for us, right?
In reality, life is much more complex than just another movie.
I'll bet you can't fit your life in 3 hours and 30 minutes. Yep you betcha, I googled the Titanic, aka longest movie ever, which took 3 hours and 30 minutes.
Here's the thing about my complicated life.... you couldn't even have conjured a story this good.
My house was one of many houses in my neighbourhood to be smashed to smithereens by hailstones in the recent hailstorm. Just as covid-19 was unprecedented - this storm was unprecedented.
I am fortunately one of the luckier ones, who can still remain in their home but it got me thinking about how far along on my self-discovery journey I really am.
I recently participated in a communication workshop within the learning platform I share, and realised that no matter what challenges and circumstances I am faced with, I always have a choice. A choice to react and respond in ways that serve me or don't serve me.
Being on this self-discovery journey, supported by this collaborative community, has taught me to trust myself and look within for all the answers I am looking for.
The way in which the platform works is through the context created that says everything you want for yourself and your life is available by becoming laser focussed on who you are and providing value. But you've got to get clear on the value you provide to the world.
What I realised was I was so busy looking out in the world for the past 40 years, when I should have been looking in the mirror.
Your experiences have shaped and moulded you. You have become this unique individual who absolutely has something to offer this world. When is now the time to turn the microscope on you?
I am strong, I am invincible
I just watched the unfolding of a woman rising like the Phoenix. A tale of feminism and female empowerment but it didn’t feel forced, it didn’t feel wrong, it didn’t feel like men were pitted against women or women against men.
It just felt like women had found a way to share their voice. Helen Reddy finally found herself and wrote the anthem for all time, without ever really knowing the impact it would have. She did it for her, for her daughter and maybe for Lillian Roxon.
I posted on my own social media this time five years ago about John Farnham’s, “You’re the voice”, Your voice matters, you matter and if your voice matters how will you use it? I was reminded of the Truman show. How does Truman finally listen to his voice?
What if a song leads us to a movie, or the movie leads us to a song? What does the Truman Show and I am Woman have in common? There is something to be said for just how much we are learning from someone’s life and from someone’s voice, the power of their words. What if they are the clues and crumbs we pick up along the way?
What if it’s within us to recognise the power of song as powerful positive affirming statements. I am strong, I am invincible. If you didn’t believe it yet, in singing the words over and over, you would come to believe it. You’re the voice try and understand it, make a noise and make it clear.
What if you have power within to create your own powerful positive affirming statement such as I am worthy, I deserve.
I began my journey within the area of my life called finances and money. First, I had to discover something was blocking me. There was a barrier. When I uncovered the block and barrier, I was able to see things differently like my taxes weren’t done for four years, researching my finances and setting up payments automatically, changing spending habits here and there, spending on myself for the first time like properly spending on me, property went from not being leased to leased and so on. We found ways to fix our house for example we got solar panels and are paying it off. It feels like we are making progress without money being a no for us if that makes any sense. Money is a yes because we are a yes to everything in our life.
Because we are yes more and more and more ideas arrive for us.
In regard to friendship through this journey, I let go of friendships that were not serving me and I see now, it needed to happen for my own growth and for their growth. One day we may come to realise this blessing collectively and there is opportunity for a transformative friendship to arise.
I have made accidental friends with my daughter’s friends mums - school mums and actually it didn’t even occur to me, I sat aside one day and they said come and sit with us, I was shocked myself that it didn’t occur to me to sit with them! So to do this day I’m learning from them about how to be a better mum but also learning how I hold myself back and don’t give all of myself to friendships for fear of rejection. In regard to what was manifested I just remember saying I wish my friendships had equilibrium that I give and they give equally. I also have to acknowledge friendships with my family members have grown stronger too.
My partner - I found. I remember manifesting what I wanted - I said it’s time for me to settle down in to a loving committed relationship where I can be myself. When I met him it was like time stood still and it felt like I had known him for years even though it was the first time I met him. I knew he was it. We are married with three kids. I created and caused our marriage from the very beginning too and I own it. Everyday I’m learning about myself I get to see more and more the things about me that don’t work and own up to them and this has made such a difference to how close we are still today despite arguments, I’m sharing my journey with him and he can see what I’m committed to.
It’s all about forgiveness and then believing in yourself and honouring what you really want for your life. We want ease and grace, we want peace and harmony. What environment do we need to create so we can have those things? Who do we have to be to attract what we really want?
It could be as simple as saying Im no longer chained by my self limiting beliefs, I’m giving all of them up, please let me become aware, let me see what all of my self limiting beliefs are.
Then once you see them you know what they are, they can disappear and dissipate.
Next is creation - create who you are as a possibility in the world, create powerful positive affirming statements that align and resonate with what you really want. Who knew the simplicity of I am worthy and I deserve would make such a difference to my life. What if it can do the same for you because you realise your word is all you have, honour your word and create the life you really want?
You can read more about my discovery of I am worthy, I deserve here
Carve time in your day just for you to reflect upon the conversations that don’t work in your life and give yourself permission to say I stand for something else: insert your powerful positive affirming statement.
For the past two days I have had dreams that are lifelike. I hear a vivid voice, its mine and its loud and clear.
Dear god please help me. Please guide me. Give me insight.
When I was younger, we had a really amazing religious education teacher. He would sing songs, he would share about all religions, truly a very inclusive approach. It was probably him that gave me my first access to praying. I was quite young when I remember praying on my own at home and without being told do it.
Mum and dad aren’t religious so to speak but my grandmother went to church and took me to Sunday school with her where I learnt about god but I also learned how to speak and write Chinese; Mandarin to be exact.
I remember when my parents fought, I would pray. I remember when I was unwell or anyone in the family was unwell I would pray. But I wasn’t consistent. Beyond that though, I definitely discovered the power of metta intentions by accident, on my own, and at the time not really knowing what it was.
My little sister would cry far away in another room. I would have conversations with her in my mind. I was sending a little message or vibration through to her and she was receiving it too because she responded each time. She would get louder or softer after receiving my message. I soon taught myself that this was something I should practice for things that were important.
So I eventually created a way to pray that was powerful for me through sending my message and vibration through to the world. My ability to send messages soon became my ability to receive messages.
At age 12, I believe this is the reason why I was upset and emotional. I was feeling the loss of my grandparents even though they had passed years before. I believe my praying had led me to begin a journey to discover what was important to me. My grandparents and the legacy they left for us was the beginning. It was like they were talking to me but I couldn’t hear them completely yet, the radio signal was not quite clear.
So today, I’m asking for help, guidance and insight.... maybe the message needs to be heard by me. Even though I’m the one asking for these things, maybe im the one who can provide help, guidance and insight?
I have told myself before that messages don’t work like they do in the movies. I was hearing my own voice speaking to myself. I recognised it as my own voice but often I would wonder how I knew to say what I said. You just have to identify what it is you are trying to say to yourself. Trust yourself. Trust your intuition.
Perhaps the reason I’m hearing myself pray and ask for help is actually because there are other people in the world asking for help, asking for guidance and asking for insight.
Maybe I’m not hearing myself. Maybe I’m hearing many other people. I’m a reflection of myself, but I’m also a reflection of others.
What I know has truly been in my way is self confidence and self belief.
I realise I have everything I need within me.
We have a gift called being a human being. The experiences we each have, our upbringing and backgrounds are all so unique and even every single decision we made and continue to make has a place in our story.
I often talk to my team about being a piece of the puzzle but this analogy can also be used for your life and for you - that each decision, each outcome is a piece of the puzzle making you who you are today. But what’s left for you to do is recognise the parts that are truly you.
Taking away everything that’s not you is easier than it sounds. You just have to be open and willing to see something you’ve never seen before.
I pray you will have courage and belief. I pray you will have self confidence and self belief. I pray this time, will be the time you take action everywhere there is inaction.
This looks like doing things that sound hard but when you take the step, realise it’s not that hard after all. This looks like being available to opportunity. This looks like being unchained from the patterns and programs of your past, by asking to see something you have never seen before about yourself and about your life.
Recognise yourself in the mirror, honour the ancestors that came before you, and vow to hear their whispers through your voice, the lessons to learn.
What or who is holding you back?
You might be more than a little surprised that it’s not what or who you think is holding you back from pursuing literally anything and everything you want for yourself and your life.
Let’s start small with amazing relationships with my family and friends.
If this is what I want, I am the creator and therefore I am at the source of creating the relationships I want.
If they are not quite there yet, guess what? Everything other than “amazing relationships”, will show up because I have zeroed in on this is what I want. I’ve become aware of an area of life that is significant and important to me.
I’m also going to become very aware of what works and what doesn’t work in each of my relationships. I’m going to take 100% responsibility for the way the relationship is or isn’t.
So I am noticing and I am aware and here goes.
My relationship with my mum and dad is the basis or foundation for every relationship in my life.
Every single relationship falls in to are they a character of my mum or are they a character of my dad. Now the funny thing is it has nothing to do with feminine or masculine energy, it has to do with the way the relationship shows up.
You may not be able to see this just yet. The first request you will make of yourself is to be self aware and have self love.
The key statement that has helped me unlock understanding and empathy in this area of my life called amazing relationships with my people, are the affirmation statements "I’m worthy and I deserve".
By having them be present in my life, the way the world presents itself to me is different.
I’m able to see things I haven’t been able to see before. The uncovering of blindspots.
I saw that a disconnected and withdrawn relationship with my dad is as a result of a story I have held on to that I’ll never live up to his expectations. And I’ve been subconsciously trying to prove myself to live up to other people’s expectations of me, not realising the person I was trying to get approval from was my dad.
I’ve been acting like it doesn’t matter if I don’t have a close relationship with my dad even though that is what I want. My desire to prove myself to him is so strong and it’s actually what has me left with feeling not so close because every time something happens between us I’m viewing it through a filter of the past. The actual filter is “he doesn’t love me because I’m not good enough” is the conversation from the past.
I have so much great evidence to support this statement but the problem is as a child this statement may have been true for me at some point but I didn’t say this out loud, I said it quietly and in my head and I made a quick decision, which had me withdraw.
I even remember an incident of seeing my baby sister sit on his lap, thinking to myself these thoughts which was actually an interchange of dialogue, a whole conversation in my mind, why can’t I sit on his lap too?, you’re too big now, don’t ask to sit on his lap, don’t show how you feel, just grow up. All my internal voice.
You see what or who is holding you back is YOU.
The you that was lingering in the background, talking to you, from a place of wanting to protect you from pain was actually the thing that has caused you the most pain. The issue isn’t that something happened. Lots of things happen, It’s just that the you inside was directing the show, without you really realising it. Now, you have to rewind and unwind where all of it comes from.
My relationship with my mum has certainly transformed. But I got to see something really important through this transformation. If I have become my mum, both the good and the bad, I am still the creator and I can transform the things that don’t work. If I can do this so can my mum. Or have I been saying if my mum can do this so can I and I have flipped it to if I can do this, so can my mum.
I have been trying so hard to be heard and listened to. But imagine a child trying to get both their parents to listen to you. However this is my experience, parent a is busy, busy, busy, don’t interrupt me I’m busy. Ok. Person b is speaking another language, oh well can’t talk to them, I WILL JUST TALK TO MYSELF.
Oh my goodness. Ground breaking stuff.
I will just talk to myself. It’s ok I will just talk to myself. I will just talk to myself. I will listen to you. I will talk to you. I will be there for you. Etc and little wonder a three or four year old talking to a three or four year old is not always giving the best advice guys. It can only give the advice of a three of four year old.
He loves me or he doesn’t love me, she loves me or she doesn’t love me. Fundamentally every single thing a child is concerned about is this. As you get older it becomes a little more complex with the addition of learning more language, “he doesn’t love me because I’m not good enough”. "she doesn't love me because I'm smart enough".
So I have got to a point now of being able to put to rest the inner child such that they don’t have to do the protecting any more. I just speak up and express myself and say how I feel in the moment.
Sometimes the other person is not going to like what I have to say. But I know it doesn’t serve me or serve them not to speak my truth. I’m in a really good place now to even be able to say exactly what I mean and exactly what I want to say without a blurred line.
Now that you know what or who is holding you back is you, what is possible?
Remember you can’t see your blindspots, until you shift something within you. When you become introspective and only looking within will the answers arrive.
For my relationship with my mum what I see possible is for her to give up her own story of everything I do is wrong, nothing I can do is right. For my relationship with my dad what I see possible is for him to give up his own story of no matter how hard I try, I’m not good enough. Equally, I give up my stories.
See the science of introspection works when you’re willing to be introspective, you can see all that works and doesn’t work for you from within and then you’ll even begin to see the line between you and the other person. You’ll begin to see what is your part and what is another person’s part.
For my relationship with myself what I see possible is giving up the story or the interpretation or the layer of listening, the veil of perspective, that comes from the past. The inner child, the little voice, who quickly interferes and in the moment disables you. Disables you to some kind of failure.
The little voice can rest and will be acknowledged for sharing. Acknowledged for being there. But the contents of what it says is emptied to a vacuum. So that the void can be filled instead, with possibility.
When you were a child, something happened, you got upset or sad and your parental figure did or didn’t do the right thing to help you to identify a way to resolve your pain on your own.
Likely, they did what most parents do and just give you a hug. Or what else did they do?
Over time, all the ways anyone thought they were helping you to resolve your pain, became your patterns and programming.
Imagine a world where when anyone experienced a breakdown we started with the fundamental question how are you feeling, recognising that the human being is capable, able and not lacking in anything to identify the source of their own pain and suffering?
Through communication, the child can identify how they are feeling and articulate themselves through words, expressing their emotions. Which later become the foundations of being able to express themselves in every moment.
How does an adult, essentially an aged child. A grown up do the work? When something happens now we over complicate it. Imagine if you were a child, how would you feel? Go there, ask your inner child how are you feeling? Let them get their words out, be the parental figure you wanted when you were a child, be open and willing to hear what your inner child has to say.
When you are truly listening you can help yourself heal. You just need to listen to him or her. Nothing added, no judgement, he or she will come out only when he or she feels safe, and he or she will come out for you or for anyone he or she feels safe with.
It is a truly privileged and remarkable moment to have with yourself. It’s even more so to be able to be a space for others.
How are you feeling?
Imagine if you recognised others instead as mirrors, as reflections of you.
How would life occur now? What would you do with this new information?
Just picture the object of a mirror. The mirror itself reflects the visual you.
People don’t reflect the visual you. When others are dealing with something, grappling with something, authentically sharing about the things that stop them in life, you will resonate with a part of their story, and you’ll see the very thing within yourself that has you stopped in the same way.
It might not come to you right away but whatever aspect that resonates with you most will speak to you and you’ll see access to a freedom from that which had you stopped before.
When you’re beginning a self discovery journey, a pathway called I’m willing to look within myself to work on myself and transform the things that don’t work for me or don’t work as well as I’d like them to in my life, then everything around you will begin to shift.
Imagine you were swimming one direction of the lap pool, kicked the end edge of the pool to turn, the water follows you doesn’t it?, there is some resistance at the turn at first, but once you get momentum, a flow, the water follows you?
In this way when you start to transform those things that don’t work for you, your journey involves bringing the people in your life along with you. At first, you are changing before their eyes. but it’s still you. At first, change can be painful.
Here’s the thing...
You should be becoming a better version of you, the best version of you.
But you do have to be honest with the people around you to let them know exactly what you’re doing and what you’re committed to such that they are touched, moved and inspired by your goal of transforming.
And you also have to be aware that you will still be human along this journey to transform yourself and your life. What I mean is you don’t just drop your ego just like that. Everything takes practice.
When change is knocking at ego’s doorstep, ego will tantrum more, just like a child, who is going through the withdrawal symptoms of you no longer giving in to tantrums - the negative attention that the child thinks it wants.
So when our focus is on us, we can only see us. When our focus is on others, we see them but we also see ourselves through them. It’s tricky but ultimately have your focus over there with others and it will give you so much access to freedom.
You will have much more grace, forgiveness, compassion, empathy for another person than you will for yourself. You will see all the things the other person is capable of, even if they don’t see it for themselves! Your focus on others is a gift.
What will reflect back? Who knows? You need to start with knowing it’s about your transformation but then you need to finish knowing it’s not about you. A very strange concept but when you’re ready to learn more reach out. I’m always here for you.
Evidence for your limiting beliefs
It really doesn’t take much for you to listen to the critical voice in your head and then allow yourself to become disabled by it.
I know because I myself am challenged to watch and observe the micro decisions I make about myself on a daily basis.
Yesterday, something happened and I made it mean something about me. I began to question my own credibility and authority.
I basically lost touch with generating who I really am in the world for myself. I started to honour the little voice in my head.
What this does is has you question literally everything you do. You keep asking yourself questions that will lead you to the lurking critic within.
This is extremely dangerous and damaging. Your inner critic does not speak the truth that is a match for the present moment.
It is a version of you from past experiences when things didn’t work out and tries to process information from this past experience as opposed to assessing brand newly for this new experience.
Here is what you need to do.
Pause and reflect outside your own head.
Write it out / Speak it out - Keep a journal or have a trusted coach or mentor who can help you get out of your head about any conversation that doesn’t serve you.
Exercise - even taking a brisk walk in the moments after you feel stopped but make sure you focus your energy on the brisk walk as opposed to thinking more on what had you feel stopped in the first place.
Meditate - download a guided meditation, the Waking Up App is amazing for this. You only need ten focused minutes.
Distraction - literally any distraction from your thoughts will work whether that’s making yourself a cup of tea or coffee and really focussing your energies there, not far away off in your mind.
The moment when intuition and creativity arrives, you can be introspective about where your mind went that had you feel stopped or stuck but in a scientific way observing the pattern or the program at play.
Eventually you will have a list of commands or statements that you regularly make about yourself. None of these are true and not relevant to the present moment.
Take on a growth mindset that says "I’m open, willing, coachable and curious, im learning everyday about myself and about the things about me that aren’t working, where I feel stuck or stopped".
These are opportunities for real growth especially if you are rigorous with yourself.
Really stop and take a moment to think and be grateful for an amazing mind that can sometimes get its wires crossed.
I am worthy, I deserve
Yesterday I began a five day challenge. A challenge about having a successful mindset.
I had been grappling with an internal dialogue and had not quite deciphered what was going on.
In this challenge, they asked us about our limiting beliefs. What are the beliefs that are holding you back from taking action in your life? Actions aligned with what it is you really want for your life?
What I realised was I was becoming aware, I was becoming much more self aware. Willing to look at myself. Willing to look at the things that don't work or don't quite work as well as I would like them to.
I also realised I am becoming more open. More open to seeing things I have never seen before about myself and about others. More open to seeing opportunities unfold before me. More open to saying yes.
I put myself in the right space. I put myself in the right environment. I said yes to challenges, I said yes to coaches, and mentors, I said yes to learning about myself, and yes to learning how to create something for me, for my future, for my family.
In learning about the construct of a limiting belief where really any belief is limiting, I began to hear some of my own. I also began to here just how debilitating and disabling they are. Then it got me thinking what limiting beliefs am I holding on to and how have they held me back.
I asked myself, why am I making myself small?
When I can be myself with no fear of opinion, or judgement, then who knows how the conversation will arise and what’s possible. What if I’ve been missing out on real and authentic conversations? Real opportunities to be myself?
Because who I know myself to be, is this committed, compassionate, transformational human being who is willing to turn herself inside out to create anything for herself and her life. I’m unleashed and unreasonable, I’m gratitude, happiness, kindness, love and joy, I’m also peace. I am much more than my limiting beliefs!
See so when our internal dialogue and our limiting beliefs run the show it turns out like this: I’m pretending I don’t care what you think of me but really I care deep down a lot what you think of me, I’m not worthy or deserving of your time or for you to listen to me. I have nothing of value to contribute. I don’t belong etc etc
Here is the funny flip side of all this. Had I just switched off the internal dialogue and the limiting beliefs, I can just be myself. That’s all I need to be. Be me.
Being me is also fun, funny, kind, caring, and the real me is someone who creates the relatedness. There is no gap.
See I am you, and you are me. How could there be a gap?
Stop playing small now, you have this big wide world waiting for you to show up as who you are. You can’t do it alone, coaches and mentors, a community of literally gem after gem willing and committed to turning you out.
What if I told you those unreachable humans who you respect and admire and want to emulate are actually a product of something you create? A thought. An inspiring thought. A thought that says something like: I want to be just like them. Now this is my life’s journey to emulate their way of being but in my own special unique way.
Something that is coming up. When I have a breakdown which means a conversation about myself that doesn’t serve me it doesn’t work to try and create from this place it feels like hard work and not a place of full self expression. Of course I need to work on breaking down the break down in the moment but because I’m growing it’s very likely I’m both having more breakdowns and self aware of the breakdowns more than usual.
I’ll share them but they’re not true they’re made up by a past me and I can’t quite catch them all but they’re all close to this. But that’s the trick you don’t have to find the exact - it just has you not fully free fully powerful and fully self expressed in the moment.
“I’m not good enough” - this one here I begin to believe
“You don’t trust me, you don’t respect me, you don’t listen to me, you think I’m stupid” - these ones here I fight against and so I become defensive in the conversation with the person I’m speaking to not knowing why (these are internal dialogues we have with ourselves in a split second because we decide something about what the person says).
When I then create from this place my self confidence is lacking my freedom is lacking my self expression is lacking my power is lacking.
My grandparents were brave, took risks, surrendered but never ever gave up, they persevered, worked hard and created a better life for us with little to nothing to their name coming here from another country. When I think about all of the sacrifices my ancestors made I think there is nothing I can’t do. Believe in yourself Ange as they did.
The possibility I’m creating for myself and my life is the possibility of being the source of my own light.
Inside this feeling is no need for external approval no need for external acknowledgment for it comes from within.
For so long I’ve been listening to you, my little voice and ive believed you.
I want it to know it’s ok - you were trying to protect me and thank you. I don’t need protecting anymore because we got this and we can do it. You can have a rest now. You must be tired. You must be so sick of defending me. I don’t need defending. I’m more than ok. Things are going to not just be ok. Things are changing and it’s ok. There is nothing wrong here. It’s just foreign and unfamiliar but I will look after you now and I’ll do so from a place of nothing is wrong. You just need to trust me. You are my light and I am yours. You are my source and I am yours. Be free. Be powerful. Be fully self expressed. Be bold. Be vivid. Be unflappable. Be unshakeable. Be yourself no matter what. Be vulnerable. Be open.
Believe in yourself. I love you little voice I want you to feel loved and I want you to know no one can hurt us because we are our own light.
In this exact moment I understand I am you you are me in a different way. The human in front of me, I am you you are me, the inner voice inside me, i am you you are me. This is vibrational this is causing me tingles throughout my whole body and I mainly feel it along my arms it’s ever so slight like my own light is shining around me and the light is tickling my arms.
Hi my name is Angela. I have loved writing since I was able to hold a pencil in my hand. I soon learnt I had a gift of connecting with my ancestors through writing before my 30th birthday.