Where did I go?

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Hello ? world ?.

I went awol.

Yes I did.

The mind operates in unique and funny ways.

So here are the mechanics of the mind from my experience and point of view of this phase or moment of being stuck and I share it in the hopes it will help you to see something for yourself.

Did you want to know what keeps you from following your dreams and following what you really want in your life?

It’s YOU.

Shock horror! No way! Not me! No.... that can’t be right... no *shakes head* repeatedly. Shall I keep going now or? Wait for a little, while we both let it sink in?

I woke up today thinking how come I haven’t been able to create? What has me disconnect from my creativity? How come I haven’t taken imperfect action? What could be in my way?

I realised it was me and I realised it was a number of conversations about myself that is in my way.

See the thing is we are so busy doing, that we forget to be. When we are busy doing, we don’t stop. It’s this never ending conveyor belt of tasks. When we actually give ourselves permission to stop is the moment we can listen to hear from within.

Human beings are habitual and do need certain routines to be able to function and everyone is different. I am out of routine. Out of my routine. I took holidays from work to be with the kids and spend time with them. The result is that I haven’t participated in my daily rituals however small, getting up stretching, meditations and exercise. Most of my challenges have finished. Those were daily actions I took to fulfil on a particular purpose.

Somehow I had a conversation about where I was at comparing myself to others. This certainly doesn’t work. I don’t need to compare myself to others. I can only be me. Life is not a race. It’s a journey. Somehow having this comparison conversation is about pitting yourself against another in the race of life. But like I said it’s not a race, it’s a journey.

Thinking that because I am on this journey of transforming myself and my life that I’m somehow an imposter if I don’t share this with every single person in my life. I’m no imposter, and I do want all of the people in my life to know me as I know myself now but if life is a journey then re-introducing myself will also be a journey.

Why do I even feel like I need to re-introduce myself? Just keep being me and keep showing up. Because I’m changing and will continue to change, it will take many honest conversations with the people in my life so that they relate to the new me and not the old me which will be a version of me that is their perception based on how I behaved in the past.

The new me has created new possibilities and new promises and will show up brand newly first and foremost for myself. Secondarily I hope the people in my life will relate to me as this. It makes it far easier if I own up to my past behaviour and complete that and then share my new possibilities.

Who I am is the possibility of gratitude, happiness, kindness, love and joy. When this is not present for me, it’s a simple declaration to say “who I am is”.

So all that is in my way is telling myself my truth and others my truth. What am I afraid of? I’m afraid of rejection. As if what I would say will push people away. This is the ego trying to sabotage all. In reality I have no idea how the conversations will go, until I have them.

Before going on holidays, I had some amazing conversations with important people in my life and they turned out the opposite of my worse case scenarios. They turned out amazingly because I was honest, upfront, raw, authentic.

The thing is, the real truth is that all the criticism comes from you. So many many times you had these conversations about yourself to yourself. No one outside of you thinks like you do about you (some do the same as you and think like you do about themselves!!!) You are brutal to yourself. You are so brutal you will bury yourself under your own criticism. I watched a singer on a national tv singing show do the same to herself last night. All the conversations she had about herself strewn across the expression on her face. So what, she forgot some words? It happens. We all make mistakes. But what we have control over - who are we going to be about it?

Who are you going to be about yourself and your life? During the school holidays I was driving the kids to the park but somehow ended up in the tunnel/a toll road on the way to work. I spoke out loud and said I’m on autopilot. The kids didn’t know what this meant and my eldest said mum stop autopilot. What is it mum? Stop it.

I went on to explain autopilot to them. But it also gave me an idea on how to communicate my journey with others.

Have you been on autopilot? So much so that you ended up driving to a destination you had no intentions of heading to? How often and how long have you been doing this?

I remember before lockdown, twice driving to park run and ending up on the way to work. And twice over the holidays I was driving to the park or playground and ending up on the way to work.

But the analogy extends far beyond catching the autopilot of driving the automobile. It extends to your life.

If you’re like me, for how long will you stand being on autopilot? For me, how long was I going to honour my parents and for that matter grandparents programming? Who said working for the government gives you security. Which is true. But is this fulfilling on my life’s purpose? What is my life purpose? Have I let myself be on autopilot for so long that I’ve forgotten to dream? Forgotten to pursue my life’s purpose?

At one of the first “seminars” I attended with my family one of the exercises was called find your purpose. They got you to write what you thought was your purpose on a small card, then they blindfolded you and you had to walk aimlessly (it would have been quite funny to watch) around a room until you pointed out or touched your purpose and then they took your blindfold off. It could be several hours later before everyone found their purpose.

The point I’m trying to make is that while that exercise seems pointless, there is some value to it. To truly find your life’s purpose will be a moment. It will be gold. You will operate with an intentional direction or compass.

The purpose of my life is to acknowledge the greatness of others. It’s taken forty years for me to realise but there have been many crumbs left as clues for me to finally arrive here.

I have a natural ability to acknowledge people. It started with acknowledging my grandparents and grew and grew and grew from there.

Now my life is not just about honouring them. Now I see it’s about honouring the people around me who are already up to stuff. I don’t know yet what it looks like but I’m excited because I have already been doing a little bit of this.

Whenever I get to see someone for who they really are I acknowledge them. I already have been calling these people real life Mother Teresa’s, Mahatma Gandhi’s. Imagine speaking to these kind of souls right now. You have no idea humanity has some amazing people alive right now and right around you, you just have to look.

My job is to reveal them. In this space how could I continue to be silent.

What have you seen for yourself? What is stopping you being your true self? Expressing yourself as your possibilities? Find your true purpose in life? When is now a good time to switch autopilot off for good?