Uncovering a blindspot
A blindspot is a thing that stops you in life and you can’t see it.
And it’s always and ever there because it’s something from your past, sitting in your future, not just your present, until you SEE it.
Something happens and you decide x y z.
And like a ninja it will show up, a situation begins to unfold, and it looks like an incident from your past...
When you’re reading this article, have a little look for what is your thing? - the thing that stops you, holds you back, and keeps you from being the best version of you.
Something happened with mum and I. I was young and getting in trouble for something and desperately wanting to say something. I see her lecturing loudly at me, with no breathe taken/no break in speech etc, I rolled my eyes and gave up. In that moment, I decided, "it doesn’t matter what I say, she’s not going to listen to me anyway".
How it has shown up in the last few weeks, is with a break down in my relationships, and right in my face yesterday, in my relationship with my little sister. I knew heart connection was missing for both of us. Feeling loved and having love be around and surround us, no matter who is near or far.
What I do in conversations is decide not to say anything because it doesn’t matter she’s not going to listen anyway or work so damn hard to make sure I get what I want to say in, that I am interrupting the other person, whenever there is a chance. Also, when I do have a say, I’m not satisfied because I say to myself that the person has to listen to me in a certain way, for me to feel like I was heard. Of course, if I’ve interrupted them there is no space for them to hear me. They are busy still reeling from “I was interrupted”. What a vicious cycle.
When I do get the chance to speak, the pattern is always there - "did they really listen to me or not?" and I decide something about myself ("I can’t communicate properly or there’s something wrong with me") and or about them ("there’s something wrong with them") and so of course this doesn’t work.
Yesterday, I got to see what happens to me. I become hostile (my sister said this word and I took it on), for me, it’s not being heard and who I’m being is defensive and will not let my guard down.
My guard protects me from feeling as though I don’t matter. Because inside I’m having this internal struggle within myself, convincing myself that “I do matter” and my communication comes from wanting to defend from this space.
The ultimate tragedy is that while in my head I am fighting to the death for "What I say matters" all the while, I am believing “no matter what I say, it never matters,” the result of that incident from my past.
Words have an impact on me because I let them. The flip side is the kinds of words that touch, move and inspire me, will touch, move and inspire me.
I know it’s a story to let go of. It’s hard, it’s engrained. It’s a pattern of behaviour that when I’m aware, I can see it everywhere. It impacts all relationships when I’m being this way.
My job is to now get in the practice of being aware. “I want to see it, when I’m experiencing it”.
I will practice seeing it quicker and quicker so the time gap between experiencing it and seeing it starts to get shorter.
That's easy to say but how on earth do you actually do this?
You become aware.
You look to see and listen to hear.
Be present. Choose being present.
Choose being the source and at the source of what is arising within you.
Freeze and slow down time, if you can freeze and slow down when it’s happening, you’ll be able to catch it.
Tell yourself, you’ll be looking. And then keep your promise, “I want to see it, when I’m experiencing it”.
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Hi my name is Angela. I have loved writing since I was able to hold a pencil in my hand. I soon learnt I had a gift of connecting with my ancestors through writing before my 30th birthday.