Equals an upset.
But if you can quickly distinguish this for yourself, you’ll still have to create a space of empathy for the second party in your conversation.
I’m talking about when things go pear shaped. When things don’t go quite right. That’s because you’re dealing with an upset. Either it’s your upset or someone else's.
Here’s the thing, when you are unaffected and you are clear minded, you can listen and hear for the undelivered communication. You can actually dismantle an upset through understanding an upset is the result of a thwarted intention, unfulfilled expectation. You can actually hear the unsaid and you can call upon these special powers of listening to address what is really going on.
But if you’re both in the throes of an upset, you’ll possibly have already pushed each others buttons and set off fight and flight mode from your terrible two days. Time out in the corner for you!
But no, in all seriousness. Stop. Pause. Breathe. Take yourself away and out of the conversation. You are in fight or flight mode and there is no room to create anything in this space.
You literally go in to some kind of cave man mode. I call it the Lion or Tiger. There is no room for common sense or logic or really any communication to transpire within this “gladiator one ready gladiator two ready” attack mode.
So when you listen, what you’re really doing is validating another persons feelings and experiences. Then you can begin to come up with solutions once the upset dissipates. There is no solution making within an upset though.
That would really get my goat up when wanting to express my feelings or experience but told to get over it or a bunch of solutions thrown at me. So validating someone’s feelings and experiences is about understanding exactly where they are. Empathy.
Here’s the thing. We’re so good at deescalating a situation perhaps in our work and business environment and for our children but why do we not apply the same skills for ourselves to deescalate our own situations?
I believe it’s because we need to learn how to harness that inner lion and tiger with our lion tamer or tiger tamer present. Conjure yourself up a figment of your imagination. The Lion and Tiger are just being exactly what they need to be to survive in nature. But you and I are human beings who apparently evolved from tearing one another part with our teeth in order to get what we want.
So the job of the tamer is to connect with the inner lion and tiger and simply say you’re not required here right now or even ever. See you have this untamed lion or tiger within just waiting to brawl because of an accumulation of moments where you didn’t get your way or things didn’t work out. But if you just consider you are in charge, you have a choice, you get to choose.
The science of an upset is to understand what makes up an upset and to dismantle it. To have empathy. To recreate the moment within the moment so you can have peace from within and have it radiate right from where you are.
Recreation or imagination whatever way works for you. Visualise how you want your life to be and so it will be.
The only thing in the way of you and what you really want for yourself and your life is you.
Hi my name is Angela. I have loved writing since I was able to hold a pencil in my hand. I soon learnt I had a gift of connecting with my ancestors through writing before my 30th birthday.