I didn’t know I didn’t believe in the words - I love you

Today I worked through the processing of a traumatic memory.

I won’t go through what happened but I will say don’t underestimate the way in which post traumatic stress disorder shows up and trust the process. In this case eye motion desensitisation and reprocessing was how I worked through my memory.

What occurred during was a relay of my emotions, my feelings and my conversations to a point where I could create a positive belief and memory.

When I left I had a long drive home and I got immediately very tired. The psychologist warned me it would be exhausting for me.

As soon as I got home I lay down to sleep. I was awoken to the sounds of my kids. This was abrupt and startled me and so my heart rate was up and I began to get pain in my right side. The psychologist taught me to breathe but also a tapping technique on my upper top lip which I used immediately to calm myself.

A family member rang me and at the end of the conversation said I lo..... I hung up on her by accident before she had time to finish her sentence so I rang her immediately back to say I need to hear that again. she said I love you and I said I love you too and I explained I hung up on her mid sentence and it was rude but that I also needed to hear it.

I began to cry immediately because through the processing of my memory one of the negative beliefs or thoughts created before therapy, was that I was not loved or cared for.

I allowed the experience of being loved to wash over me and receive and accept it. Maybe this is the first time I’ve allowed myself to trust and to receive it.

This experience has taught me that it’s important to ask for help when you need it. You have to realise you’re not alone. If you feel something is not quite right, trust your intuition.

It takes courage to work through trauma. But in many ways I was only ready now, in this moment to actually work through it.

To find peace you may not be able to do it on your own. Especially where you are working through childhood trauma. In the end it will be you healing yourself but you are being guided by a professional.

The first step is to pick up the phone and book an appointment with a qualified psychologist. I recommend visiting your general practitioner even to obtain a mental health plan or using your internal support services through your workplace if they give you an employee assistance program for example. These steps just help you to offset some of the cost.

You are worthy of this investment. It’s time for you to close the chapter on those questions marks you’ve kept in the air.

Am I loved?