I woke up suddenly on Saturday morning with much heartache for myself.
I realised it was a young version of me witnessing the opposite of love and for a child love is all there is.
I felt afraid and alone. I felt like it was my fault. I asked what have I done wrong?
A child of maybe three or four, my world felt shattered from the experience of dischord, disharmony, negative vibration from two forces (two parents).
This experience isn’t the first time I have seen this, I saw it in 2005 also, but not as clearly not as deeply.
I reached out to a friend to let them know I was also experiencing lower back pain and felt it was associated with this.
She sent me instructions on how to reconnect with Mother Earth and realign my chakras. She also sent me an inner child guided meditation.
I visualised roots from my lower back reconnecting with the root of Mother Earth.
I listened to the meditation coming home from work yesterday and while it takes concentration when driving I just made sure my eyes did not make any connections with other human being and their eyes. I kept my eyes on the road. I only recommend this for someone who has meditated with eyes open and able to do this.
What came to me was this experience of sadness. Of being alone and lonely. If I could have I would have asked for help, help me, tell them to stop. Perhaps I did call on myself internally in that moment. Perhaps that’s when my inner child tried to protect me and said don’t worry about them, you can’t rely on them. And that’s where my upset and sadness comes from. If a child can’t rely on them, then they have only themselves to rely on. And that’s where the loneliness comes from. Cutting myself off from the people I love and who I knew loved me.
Last night I had an impossible dream, impossible in many ways. It was vivid as if I was experiencing a living moment but also surreal, I soon realised it was a dream within the dream.
I discovered I was pregnant the same day I birthed a baby. The baby was a boy and the name Kai lingered in my mind but I didn’t announce his name. I was at first disappointed for I had an expectation of giving my daughter a sister (this was when I realised it was a dream, within the dream). I put this aside. I also told myself to - let go - it’s just a dream. There was a scene of being in a hospital with equipment and devices I didnt recognise but guess it had something to do with protecting the baby.
The baby is calm, gentle and quiet that I have to remember to feed it. I feel serenity and confidence. I know what to do. I know how to be.
As this figment of my imagination unfolds in this dream, suddenly the environment shifts and changes. Im letting my work know about my situation. For them, there is sadness. For me, there is guilt. Another presence in my workplace communicates it’s ok for me to have leave despite feeling they will miss me. This was an interesting insight for me.
Dreams are all about the feelings. And I feel this is the rebirth of my inner child. What an absolute privilege to have this in-depth insight.
I’m still processing this dream and I’m hoping there is more to come. Dream state authentic state connected state.
I am asking if this is a rebirth. If we can be given a second chance over and over again then what’s possible? Am I getting stronger and building new muscles around my language and how I relate to my inner voice? She can sometimes be hard to catch but I’ve been able to laugh at both her and the stories she/we make about things that don’t work out in life or her perception of things not working out.
What if how we relate to ourselves is really all we have? What if our language, our words, how we see ourselves, that’s it? How will you live your life knowing each moment is a new moment?
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Hi my name is Angela. I have loved writing since I was able to hold a pencil in my hand. I soon learnt I had a gift of connecting with my ancestors through writing before my 30th birthday.