What do I really mean here.
What I’m trying to tell you is that being brave is actually not something that is easy. Your jar of fear could be filled 100%.
Does that mean you don’t take bold action?
And the only reason I can say this is the experience is right here with me.
Every moment I put pen to paper. Every time I put myself out there. There is a lot of fear.
But the fear disappears when I realise the reason I’m doing what I’m doing isn’t just for me but to help and serve others who might be on a similar journey or struggling to find their purpose in the world or asking is there more to life than this or maybe already beginning the journey of an entrepreneur but ready to stretch themselves to make more of a difference in their business but beyond that to impact and change their communities and the world.
I’ve been struggling not so much with purpose but with my sense of self and worthiness and my current place in the world. I have all these labels of who I am and what I do. All these roles. But I got overwhelmed. I got tired. I broke down.
That was day one of remote working and remote schooling. But that’s not when this really started for me.
When I first became a mother, I didn’t know what I was doing. Who was I kidding. It started all the way back then this fear of failure. It was worse than just a fear, I actually believed I was failing.
How can it be - a fear of failure equals this feeling of I’m actually failing?
And at that time I didn’t ask for help. But I should have.
Back then I didn’t know that this is one of the signs of Post Natal Depression.
When I look back I can see a lot of different things about myself. I would cry. Just sit and cry. It was the loneliness and being alone. People were around me but I felt I was by myself.
I fell pregnant with my second child when my first child was just 8 months old. It started to get hard for me when I realised I’m going to have two of these humans running around, how am I going to cope, when I can’t even cope with one?
That kind of thinking started towards the end of my pregnancy but I also remember being very melancholic through out that pregnancy.
I felt an underlying anger and resentment actually. I felt controlled. Controlled by the circumstances that felt like I hadn’t chosen them. I felt as if this was just happening to me and I had no choice in the matter. At the time I felt trapped. I can see it from here now.
But back then it was the water I swam in and the air I breathed. I didn’t question it and think I needed help? I just accepted the dialogue that kept showing up.
I began to build a new identity when I started working again. But this is how easy it is to mask the stuff that’s right underneath the surface. I worked as a waitress for one of my mum’s restaurants. I kept myself busy, the eldest boy was in kindy at this stage I think.
One day I said to my husband when those boys grow up they’re going to leave me and that’s ok. I want to have a daughter who I will have an ongoing relationship with one day. I also shared something with him I’d never shared before. Those boys were not intentional pregnancies. I love them but I didn’t choose to become pregnant and nor was I potentially ready. This is the first time I want this which is to be pregnant of my choosing. I felt extremely empowered at this time, which indicates to me I must have been ok at this stage.
I painted a vivid picture of what the future would look like I said once pregnant and the baby was crawling and eating solids I would go back to full time work again. We had a baby girl as luck would have it. Because when you put it out there that this is what you want whilst it’s an intention you never really know if it’s going to eventuate and of course being pregnant means creating a baby of any gender. So when I say luck I mean it matched my intention.
I never felt this fear of failure come back until things with my eldest started to become difficult. I can’t even recall when it started but this sense of I’m not in control and I am powerless has sort of lingered I guess for the past three or so years.
I went to the local doctor (GP) who told me from 1-7 its all about mum but from 8-14 it’s all about dad. Something clicked and I realised how true that was but this still didn’t quash this feeling of failure.
Little did I realise that each and every single time something went wrong with my eldest I was associating as my fault. I mean he would get in trouble at school and I would blame myself for not setting him up to not get in trouble. For not being the kind of parent who gave him the right skills to cope at school. That’s a lot of burden right there I put on myself.
So this blog is not going to finish like it normally does.
I need to tell you that I’m seeing a psychologist to work on this stuff that’s sitting on my shoulders. It took something for me to be brave enough to book the appointment. I had the persons details for more than a year maybe even two years. I waited til I had numerous incidents occur. Once an incident occurred at work I knew something wasn’t right with me. And that gave me the strength and the willpower to pick up the phone. This is not right how I’m feeling and I need help.
You don’t have to suffer in silence and be alone with this. You need to open up and share and the best place to do that is with a qualified professional. You have to trust in the process and in yourself.
I waited forty years to be brave enough to get the real help I needed. Don’t wait forever. If your 3, 12, 17, 29 or 30 all times I should have asked for help but didn’t know how.
I had a self help book at home but it was only about first aid. It was a flow chart you answered a series of questions yes or no and it took you through to your answer - much in the way we use google now I suppose but this was a printed book. I remember distinctly turning to the index hoping to find the answers to my questions.
When I filled out the form with the psych I was very much scared and afraid. Of not what she had to say to me - if what would come out of my mouth. But I needn’t have been afraid or scared because once I started, it’s the truth, it’s the honest truth of my life.
What are you really afraid of? Could it be that once this is out, you’ll have no more excuses as to why you can’t take bold action? Could it be that this has paralysed you and if you’re no longer paralysed you’ll need to take responsibility for your life? Not like guilt, blame or shame but responsibility like honour and privilege. Time to take the reins? Steer in a new direction? One that aligns with who your know yourself to be? Not the stories, patterns and programming of your past?
My story is still uniquely unfolding. When I write these blogs I make a commitment to share with you whatever is coming up in the moment. It’s uncensored, it’s unedited and that’s why I called it first and last draft.
In high school I would get to the finish line of an essay or assignment only to discover I didn’t hit save and the computer crashed. This is how I learnt I had to trust whatever was in my mind to say for the first and last time because I didn’t have enough time to muck around in order to get my paper in on time.
That is the ethos of my page and my blogs. I write from my heart and share exactly what is coming up in the moment.
I have a Facebook page that I’m developing and I have an Instagram page I’m also building piece by piece. It takes me longer to do each platform because I’ve been disparate about it.
I manage the social media of my mum and dads restaurant also but this can be haphazard because I will post when I’m there.
What I’m wanting to share with you is that the platform I share gives me access to hundreds of resources and mentors who I can glean hints and tips from about the way in which I take my business.
This is invaluable to me. For me though a successfully crafted business can be the outcome of working on you first. How on earth can you realise your value to the world if you don’t first realise your value to you - to yourself?
So this is why I work on me and why I share with you everything that has helped me along the way.
Yours in every way cheering you on to take bold action. Hold fear’s hand she needs to be loved too.
Hi my name is Angela. I have loved writing since I was able to hold a pencil in my hand. I soon learnt I had a gift of connecting with my ancestors through writing before my 30th birthday.